Doubt (up the walls)

And in the end it came to this:

And in the end it came to this:

my cousin was unlucky and so was I.

if you could call it that. The best things leave no room for doubt.

Second guessing hearts apart. Reset the past.

Put it behind you. Carry it alongside.

Both. I’m so tired.

“And every night you swear it is the last night.”

Every moment you swear it is the last moment.

How many times can you hurt before you give up,

Your heart bleeding out a regular beat; rhyme out a poem that never makes any sense.

Call it god. It’s love and fear.

I am your daughter but you don’t see me.

You broke a promise.

I could keep talking for minutes and minutes more but then you’d get tired of me. You.

I’m not sick of writing poems to make the pain go away but the truth is it never goes.

If you listen to them all then I’m a selfish disinterested disabled asshole.

Don’t listen. I beg you to stop – begging. But I stopped begging months and months ago and I don’t know how to buy it back.

Too little. Seeds planted before a storm.

Saying goodbye in the rain.

I’ll be gone “a long long time…”

The past wraps up with a ribbon.

I never promised you anything. In fact when I went to bed I never slept.

Dreaming not of you. Dreaming of nothing at all.

Another day, there’s nothing to differentiate and this time I’ve blurred the shadows.

How long will I keep seeking answers like I seek words but I’m disabled in my second language.

My tongues fumbles the words. I see you have already made up your mind. I’ll play along but next time I see you I’ll wring the life out of you with my hands- hands reach across my mouth,

I won’t bite the hand that feeds me although my stomach still aches.

You crippled me without a second thought. The sword hangs above my head as I do anything else. I have a sword over my head, I have a sword over my head – can you see it now?

Better to be dead sings the crow on my shoulder. And how am I supposed to tell if who I am is normal or not.

I can’t sleep anymore. She stole it, why won’t she give it back –

her and him and her and everyone in the whole damned world. Who sees there’s good people when everyone in the world bows down to King cruelty. When they’re special but you’re just weird.

At the corner of my vision they wait for me to fall but I can’t stand on the roof forever.

And so they come up the walls.

Nothing in my dreams.

A vase poised but I poisoned the glass.

A broken promise through my fingers like water.

Why couldn’t I stay fixed.

The bird flaps its wings once.

“I trip and fall and fall…”

But I still fall

Fall off the edge.

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